No, I am not dying...
Today as I drove back from dropping off my son at school, I was trying to figure out what I want to do with my career. I have put my career on hold for the past year for many reasons. The first and foremost was that I wanted to give all my attention and devote my time to my 3 children while we settle in a new country. There were other reasons which included health issues, lack of motivation and of course I did not want to be overwhelmed with so much in my life all at once. The first image I saw when I closed my eyes briefly was my CEO Mamma Logo! This came to me as a surprise as when I normally close my eyes, I always have an image of my kids. Not Today! I realized as I was thinking about the image, and what this Logo means to me. It is not about my business, it is not about being the CEO of a company and being a mom, for me it is so much more. It is about being the CEO of MY LIFE! And what exactly does that mean you say? I asked myself the very same question this morning, I needed to have answers, as I had put myself on the backburner for too long. As I thought about it all day, yes it is daytime in Dubai at this moment, I thought for me, this logo represents BALANCE. Yes, balance.
I have been so out of balance in everything in my life over the past year. I have always been an ALL or NOTHING type of person, as some may point out, for me it is a black or white with absolutely no shades of grey. I take on a lot of roles in my life, such as being a mother, a wife, a driver, a cook, a teacher (while homeschooling my children), and many other roles, and always MANAGE to get it "right." However, I do not feel balanced, or at peace in any one area of my life. Living in a different country, with hardly a support system to help you thrive, and laws and regulations that you are not well versed in can be intimidating (hence the lack of motivation to do anything). I kept asking myself, am I balancing everything in my life? The answer was a clear NO! I am an extremist (all or nothing type), a perfectionist, and an obsessive-compulsive when it comes to my life, my business, and my relationships. I have not been able to create the life I imagined for my family and myself simply because of these traits. They hinder my success, hinder my motivation to achieve my goals and stop me from doing anything to get to the life I want to live. This alone is enough to cause me physical, mental and emotional exhaustion. The thoughts race through my head all the time, and they are much faster than my actions since I have taken NO ACTION. I had surrendered to the fact that my health isn't where I want it to be, and let that get the best of me. I had surrendered to the fact that I do not think I am capable of balancing my life alongside my business and relationships. I had decided that I am weak and not savvy enough to be able to do all this stuff and let everything drop to null.
I realized today that I have been living inauthentically with regards to my dreams and goals. To realize this is a good first step, and to be able to work on the very things that stop you from reaching your goals is the next logical thing to do, EXCEPT, I have no plans! I lack a plan. I have decided that the next two weeks, will be a time to reflect on my goals for this year (My dreams with a deadline), and the values that I want to work on this year. This doesn't only apply to my business, rather this will apply in ALL areas of my life, including my children, my marriage, my health, and everything else and everyone else that are in my life. To begin with, I know the values that I want to have present in my life and are non-negotiable are these: BALANCE, Faith, Love, Respect, Hope, and Light. I personally think this is a good place to start.
TODAY IS MY LAST DAY allowing myself to feel the way I do, today is the last day of not taking care of my physical, mental, and emotional needs. Today is the last day of moping around, not working out, not eating 90% healthy ALL the time, and not focusing on all the things that are not going the way I imagined. Today I will allow myself to sit with these emotions, and let go of them once and for all. Will it be perfect? I am not sure, but I hope not, because if it is, then this means I am out of balance, or something else in my life will be suffering. Today I make this pledge to myself and today I will be in peace. One thing I know for sure is that it is NEVER too late to restart, never too late to move forward, no matter how small my steps will be, I will still be moving forward.